Cricket… England absolutely cream Australia in the opening match of the Ashes summer, bowling the big gallahs out for, wait for it, 79 runs! It doesn't matter that the game was only a poxy Twenty20 thrashabout, the fact is that England have now beaten Dad's Army three times on the bounce in all forms of cricket. Fat has-been Darren Gough turned down the chance of hat trick by aiming for Brett Lee's body, demonstrating the kind of Ozzie-patented gamesmanship England will need if the rest of the summer is to amount to anything. Having said that, by the time you read this, England could well have been pummeled in the one-dayers and ready to surrender the Ashes for the, whisper it, eighth time in a row. So, I am taking it upon myself to declare the summer officially over and England the victors. I will now put my fingers in my ears for the rest of the summer. Hah! Oh, yes and everyone's favourite pot-bellied, match-fixing nurse-botherer Shane Warne has become only the third Aussie to have his portrait hung in the Lords Long Room (the other two being Don Bradman and Rolf Harris.)

Rugby League… the State of Origin matches down under have thrown up their usual levels of preposterously entertaining stuff, with Queensland pipping the Wizard Blues with an interception try in extra time of the first round at Suncorp. In the second, Andrew Johns made his much awaited return at the Telstra stadium and inspired NSW to a comfortable win in what was a largely forgettable game. The Gold Coast look set to be awarded a new NRL franchise in 2007 (remember the Chargers?) and have been scouting in England, where they have earmarked Bradford's hard yarding prop Stuart Fielden, Warrington's twinkle-toed centre Martin Gleeson and Wigan's Irish speedster Brian Carney for contracts.

Rugby Union… The Jonny Wilkinson-Isn't- As-Good-As-He-Used-To-Be tour of Kiwiland is well underway, and looks set to be interesting as the All-Blacks are drooling at the prospect of giving the redshirts a damn good kicking. Posh drug-dealer wannabe Laurence Dallacarbonara has had to ask to go home early with a chipped fingernail and looks set to be replaced by another overrated, ageing Pom, Mr Neil 'ref-pusher' Back. The first unofficial Test, against the NZ Maori, went the way of the scary boys with long tongues and tattooed eyeballs as they edged an uninspired Lions side 19-13. Lions captain Brian O'Drizzle commented, "I don't know why we bother! They were all really big and much too quick. Can't we just play Twenty20 cricket?"* The real Tests are on the following dates: June 25th, July 2nd and July 9th. Go along to the UN Irish pub to laugh at the Brits.
*may not be true




Football… The season's over, so UBC is full of those review-type programmes which insist that although last season was the best ever in England/Spain/Italy, next season is going to be even better. Well, here's news for you: it's not. It's going to be the same old Jane Horrocks with the same old teams winning the league and the same old teams battling against relegation. The only interest at the moment is who Chelsea, Real Madrid and Inter are going to buy. Chelsea keep trying to sign Adriano from Parma, but keep getting told to go away. Inter are still trying to sign fat greaser Hernan Crespo, but will probably end up with him on another season's loan. And Real, well, Real are trying to sign anyone really, and look set to allow Luis Figo to realise a boyhood ambition and leave the world's most glamorous club to join Bolton!







Formula 1… It's been an interesting month in the world of rich boys racing around in expensive cars, and mostly because Michael 'Charisma' Schumacher has hinted he might do one at the end of the season. That means we could only have a few months left to jeer before we have to start saying things like "Yes, he truly was one of the best." Enjoy it while you can. Kimi Raikkonen took the spoils in Canada, taking advantage of Giancarlo Fisichella, Fernando Alonso and Jenson Button all being forced to retire. Standings after Montreal: F Alonso, Spa, 59; K Raikkonen, Fin, 37; J Trulli, Ita, 27; N Heidfeld, Ger, 25; M Schumacher, Ger, 24.